I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
