We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
