I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
