I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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