you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
