Fine. I'll sleep in my office
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
