after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
