i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
