Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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