Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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