So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
