Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
