He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
