Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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