My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
