When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
