Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
