theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
