Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
