I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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