I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
