Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
