did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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