Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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