Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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