Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
