Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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