I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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