i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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