So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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