dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
