he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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