I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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