She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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