I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
