Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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