i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
