Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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