Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
