my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
