mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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