If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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