I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
