oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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