3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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