My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
