ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
