you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
