He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
