mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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