Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
