yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
