I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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