I want to walk on stilts...naked
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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