I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
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I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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