my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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