Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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