Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
