If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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