When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
