When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
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Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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