i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
