I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
