During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I fill condoms, not promises.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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