Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
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I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
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The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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